11 reasons you should never date a classical musician
16 August 2019, 16:53 | Updated: 23 August 2019, 16:17
Classical musicians are, by nature, tricky beasts to pin down. Just imagine being in a relationship with one. Here's what you can expect.
1. You'll always come second
No matter what plans you make, a rehearsal will overrun or someone will pull out of a concert at the last minute. Or maybe there's just not enough rosin on their bow and they forgot to come meet you at this bar round the corner from where they live so it'd be really easy and they'd be guaranteed to make it but they didn't because of the bow and rosin issue.
2. Musician in-jokes are the worst if you don't get them
And don't even try to join in with them. If you start laughing at a joke you don't understand, expect to be questioned on exactly why the phrase 'More like portamental!' is funny.
3. Your schedules will never match up
Taking on a musician as a partner will tire you out. If you're working comparatively normal hours, you'd better get used to the sight of no-one opposite you at the dinner table.
4. When they do hang out with you, they over-compensate
The inevitable guilt of not spending any time with you has some undesirable side-effects. Smothering being chief among them.
5. No matter how supportive you are, you'll never 'get' your partner
The phrase "but I thought you played really well!" will have no currency if your musician thinks they've had the worst concert experience of all time. Same goes for consoling after failed auditions, bum notes and tripping over on stage.
6. Living with someone who practises. A lot.
"Dinner's ready!"
*sound of Kabalevsky violin concerto's most difficult section*
"…it's getting cold!"
*ever-more-intense fails to crack that semiquaver passage*
"…I said dinner's rea-FORGET IT I'M EATING YOURS TOO."
7. Someone has to stay at home, and it'll be you
International tours if they're in an orchestra, hours of travelling to far-flung places if they're a soloist… musicians love to be anywhere, as long as it's not home. For a long time. So get ready to sit by the phone and wait patiently for their inevitable late-night drunken phone calls.
8. What goes on tour, stays on tour
"Did you have a nice tour?" "Yep. Don't want to talk about it." Is this the kind of conversation you want to have? Never mind the inevitable tour in-jokes, what about all the amazing locations, food, interesting people and cultural high-life that your other half will get to experience without you?
9. Long-term commitment is a no-no
Artistic, flighty people just don't like the idea of settling down. Well, not unless there's a healthy dose of distractions available. And you don't want to be second fiddle to a distraction.
10. Attention from admirers
Imagine if you were going out with David Garrett. Go on, IMAGINE IT. Do you want a line of salivating fans greeting/absolutely hating you as you leave the concert hall with your tousle-haired beau?
11. Musicians follow strange Instagram hashtags...
(but we all know #InstrumentsInMyPants is actually quite adorable)
