These perfectly normal words have very different meanings for musicians

30 January 2017, 17:00

You call it a ‘rehearsal’, we call it sitting at the back eating crisps in silence.

‘Concert’
Normal people: An event where musicians entertain a crowd of paying guests.
Musicians: The source of my anxieties.

‘Rehearsal’
Normal people: The process of improving a process by examining and amending its facets closely.
Musicians: When you sit at the back and eat crisps.

‘Brass’
Normal people: A metallic material often used in the manufacture of musical instruments.
Musicians: Loud drunks.

‘Virtuoso’
Normal people: An exceptional talent in their chosen discipline, revered in and beyond their lifetime.
Musicians: Show-off.

‘Violinist’
Normal people: Someone who performs upon the most popular stringed instrument in the violin family.
Musicians: Everyone you know.

‘Dressing room’
Normal people: A locked and private space where performers can quiet their mind before a concert.
Musicians: The corridor outside the toilet.

‘Music teacher’
Normal people: A professional who transfers their musical knowledge to a student in individual or group lessons.
Musicians: That one person who you tell yourself you don’t need to please but then when you do it’s like the sun comes out and my God suddenly life is worth living for two seconds but after that you hate them again.

‘Socialising’
Normal people: The interface of acquaintances in a relaxed setting, for example a park or other public space.
Musicians: Drinking alone after the show.

‘Harmony’
Normal people: Multiple musical lines being played at the same time to enhance or augment each individual part.
Musicians: Competition.

‘Audition’
Normal people: Process whereby the best candidate for a creative role is determined in a series of pre-determined tests.
Musicians: Process whereby one’s exact and crippling foibles are displayed in front of a panel of peers to the detriment of all involved.

‘Fee’
Normal people: Payment received for services, usually pre-arranged based on an industry standard.
Musicians: Often mislabelled as ‘exposure’.

‘Conductor’
Normal people: A musical professional who directs ensembles of varying sizes.
Musicians: That quiet kid in school who you suspected might one day take over the world.

‘Popular music’
Normal people: A catch-all term for whatever music currently sells highest among a wide demographic.
Musicians: Karl Jenkins.

‘Concert hall’
Normal people: Multi-purpose live entertainment space.
Musicians: The final resting place of all my hopes and dreams.