14 things you need to know before dating a musician

3 May 2018, 17:08

Thinking of becoming involved with a musician? We advise caution. And flexibility.

Before you know it, this could be you...

Here's a detailed breakdown of when you need to know.

1. They will never be on time

Rehearsal will always overrun. The pub will always be open on the way from a concert to your house. Their flight will always be delayed. Just add a couple of hours onto everything and you’ll be fine.

2. Practise comes first

‘Just coming!’ *continues to nail Paganini caprice*

3. If you’re having an important conversation about the future of your relationship, they’re just playing the third act of Tosca in their head

That misty, far-off look in their eyes: there’s a reason for it.

4. They will sing at you

Just in mid-conversation. You won’t know it’s coming, so just maintain a permanent state of high alert.

5. All the space in your wardrobe will be filled with concert black

What’s your favourite colour? Black? Good.

6. They will be more talented than you

Even if you are genuinely more talented than them in another arena, their talent will always outshine yours. Get used to it. Musicians are always perfect, even when they’re not.

7. You will be the least interesting half of your couple

‘What do you do?’
‘I’m a humanitarian lawyer and part-time curer of sick kittens who is also developing a new green energy source for the world. And she plays the oboe a bit.’
‘A MUSICIAN?’

8. They can sing a harmony with everything

Like, everything. Not just songs on the radio, but the microwave hum, the sound the shower makes when you turn it off… everything.

9. If you’re dating a singer, you will have to cut out dairy from your diet

Don’t kid yourself that you can just eat different things and it won’t be inconvenient. You’ll be sneaking Frijj milkshakes at work within the week.

10. When they’re listening to Bruno Walter’s 1956 recording of Mahler 4 in a darkened room, just leave them to it

Don’t even knock.

11. Beethoven will be an equal part in your relationship

Prepare to be polyamorous with The Master.

12. You don’t have a weekend any more

Make all the plans you want, but don’t expect your partner to join you. Cos y’know, rehearsals.

13. Your new part-time role is box office helper/stage hand/roadie/page-turner

Enjoy your antisocial working hours!

14. The record collection is out of bounds

Do not attempt to re-order it. Do not even look at it. You do not understand it.